Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
