life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
