I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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