PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
