I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
