If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
