cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
