I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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