Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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