I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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