I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
