I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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