if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
