he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
