life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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