I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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