I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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