I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
