Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
