Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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