no, he came in my armpit
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
