I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
