My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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