You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
