At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
