I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
