Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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