This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
