haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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