I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
