My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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