So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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