I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
