At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
