Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
