Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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