if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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