i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
