I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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