Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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