So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
