Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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