I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
