i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
