Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
