So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
