THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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