Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
