note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
