I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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