you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
