Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
